Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Did I fell peace?

Today I started my exercise routine of walking. There was a time I loved to exercise. I would run two miles every other night and do calisthenics inside the house. I had never been overweight until the last few years. Now I am between twenty and thirty pounds over weight and badly out of shape from lack of exercise.
While walking an old man from the neighborhood stop ed me to talk. He asked if I was dating yet. I told him no and didn't plan on ever dating again. He said its been three years and time for me to get back out there. Then he said some people jump in after a bad relationship and others wait a long time or never open up to anyone again.
I told him that I wasn't angry at my x anymore but I was angry at myself for putting up with the physical and mental abuse, the cheating and expecting me to financially take care of him. I said it was my fault for putting up with it for so long. I told him children and dogs will push you as far as you let them. That a dog will continue to pup on your rug if you don't kick it outside. An abusive man is the same way. If you don't kick him out he will continue to abuse you.
What shocked me was when I said this, I didn't have the normal fear
and anger that I usually have when I talk and think about my x.
For the first time it was like I was just making a basic statement.
I have prayed that God help me forgive him, this shows me that it is happening.
I went through a bad marriage and luckily found out he was still married to his first wife so it made it easier to get an annulment after nine years of marriage.
I will never forget but I do wish I could forgive him, because my bible says that in order to be forgiven I must forgive.

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